I really shouldn’t be writing a blog tonight and I cannot be held responsible for anything I say as I am still in a somewhat drugged and muzzle-headed state. Today was my introduction into the Colonoscopy Hall of Fame – yes I am now a member of that elite and wonderful comradeship of old farts who have been hosed.
If you have had this procedure, then you know that the prep is the worst part. I sent Russ to the store yesterday morning to get me some Gatorade and Jell-O. Oh yes, the instructions said I could have clear liquids. I naively thought I would be able to swallow something tasty while also ingesting 128 oz. of vile “prep” liquid. Uh, no, not happening! But Russ was so sweet to try and he also came back with a get well card for me. This is the front of that card.
Did I tell you, I think my husband has sadistic tendencies? I emailed a copy of this card to my siblings hoping to generate some sincere sympathy and this is what I got back from my brother, David:
Please do not fear having a colonoscopy. It is no big deal.
1. You drink a few gallon of a lovely flavored liquid, tasting interestingly like cooled urine. Although I have never actually tasted urine, at least not that I know of, it is roughly what I imagine it is like.
2. Then you take a nice comfortable seat in the bathroom for a few hours, OK, more like a whole day, and feel like you just lost your entire body weight into the sewer system. Not a big deal.
3. Finally, you crawl into bed... wait a minute – one more trip to the comfortable toilet for a few minutes, or an hour. Now back to bed, well not so quick, one more rotation ought to do it.
4. Then you wake up and go delightedly to the hospital or other torture chamber, where they strip you of your clothes, dignity and money.
5. Then they put you back to sleep (where were they when you were asleep last night?), but not before you can see all the other people in the area who are recovering gracefully, vomiting wastefully and being a pain to your hopeful expectations of a trouble free procedure.
6. Then some ingrate, ignorant and wandering orderly walks through with a garden hose wrapped in his arms, and says, “We’ll be with you in a moment!”
7. Yes, I have fond memories of the day I almost decided to give up on life altogether.
Actually, I don’t remember a thing! No problem!
Thanks, Bro, I love you too.
And so it went. I was extremely nervous and I think they gave me an extra boost of drugs as I was very aware of the beginning of the procedure. I yelled “up periscope” and I think that’s when the doctor said to put me WAAAY out!
Good news though. I only had one polyp, of which they very thoughtfully provided me a color image. I can post it here if you want!!! I have to wait 7-10 days to find out if it is good or bad but I ‘m sure it will be fine. I also found out I have diverticulosis and that might help explain my tummy troubles. No big deal. So, since I can think of no one else to blame for my having to go through this procedure today, I think I‘ll blame Rick. It was, after all, while visiting Rick and Paulette at the Sands that I got so sick and finally decided to bite the bullet and have this done. (just kidding Rick)
So with that I’ll sign off. If I make any inappropriate comments on anyone’s blog tonight – just blame the drugs. WHEEEEE!!